Update~

This is my first day update my blog after 3 weeks. Some new update here..

I am graduated from secondary school, or high school last year. I am working now. In a kindergarten, Sandakan Baptist Church Kindergarten. Today is the 18th day =) My position is a helper now. Next I will be propose to be assistant teacher after 3 months =DD

I am helping in Year 1 classroom, together with a guy named Miah and 2 teachers. My class have 25 students and first it was quite hard for me to take care and get close to all children. As time passed, I am able to do and those little ones are teaching me many many lessons about life.

Kids tell us what they want directly.
Kids don’t know what is the meaning of “embarassing” but they do know what is the meaning of “having fun”.
Kids are our mirror as they are learning and doing what we are teaching and doing.
Kids always forget their promises and they need reminderssss
Kids tell me what is love.
Kids trained to be patience and learn to look into one’s strength and inner beauty.

I won’t be updating my blog frequently as I am getting busy soon. However, I will still be active in my facebook. Search me on “Jacklyn Chung” and add me =)

You

As my life journey came to another stage, working stage, I really want to share my everything with you through MSN. When I am still up at midnight, I am still missing and remembering every conversation we had before this. Although they are short, they seem meaningless but to me, it makes me felt that we were meant to be, we were belonged to one another. It is fate that bring us together and separated us. When there are chances that we can come together again, you rejected, I rejected and even promise that I will learn to let go of you.

I think that’s the best way I can keep the best thing in my memories about us. Where it won’t be polluted by anything, any dusts that will spoil the good memories of us. Our separation, make things to be simple, caused us back to the original but I know we will never be able anymore.

You were saying I am immature. I have misunderstood the meaning of maturity before this. I thought mature is to handle stuff with a good way that suit to everyone. However now, I realized, I knew that, Mature isn’t like that. Maturity isn’t your heart have been grown old and you have pre-decision for everything that is going to happen but it is there when you are still able to smile while tears are rolling in your eyes. The day I confessed myself to you, the day you rejected me, I know you know how bad I felt, I know you did that purposely so that I may let go of you. However, do you know that, I was smiling while tears are falling down from my eyes? Do you know that, I am able to control my emotions unlike 2 years ago, the girl who got so much emotions swings?

When we came to know each other, we appreciated each other’ present in our lives, being our special one, we are growing at the same time. Maybe to you, I am not mature enough but to others, they think I am too mature. The way I think, I learn, I do things didn’t fit with my age, didn’t fit as what a 18-year-old girl will do. Because I have not being loved by any guy, I am cherish the people who love me in future. I really cherish as you are the first guy that loved me so much. Well, first date always a failure because we don’t know how to love and what is love. Even though I weren’t your first girl friend but I never dislike of not being the first girl you loved in your life.

You have made known to me that the furthest distance in the world, isn’t the living and the death, isn’t the heaven and hell but is I’m standing in front of you, you just don’t know I love you. From strangers, we came to know each other, fell in love, distances were pulled closely. Then one day, we no longer in love, the distances increased and even further than when we were strangers. Do you know how painful is it? Try and think about it. You obviously know that I love you, but you just pretend you know nothing and trampled my love. Although I am not fragile as a piece of glass, remember, I am a girl as well. No matter how serious, how thoughtful I can be and how I love to smile when we were together, I am still a girl who needs care and love. I still feel hurt when my feeling is ignore.

I love to smile don’t really mean that I am happy, all the time. Sometimes smiling to me is to cover my broken heart, my fragile, or maybe loneliness. I can acknowledge my own stubbornness in love a person but I always tend to ignore the grief it brings! Smiling makes me feel better from fear of being discovered but yet I really eager that a person will start a conversation,asking why I am so happy and caring me. I know, I know, when you are reading this, you will be saying I am expect too much but isn’t happiness comes after expectations? Anyway, just cherish every friends that you have, especially the one who loves to smile or laugh. Maybe they aren’t smile/laugh because of happiness but because of their broken hearts and loneliness.

I know as time passed, I will start to forget about you. However, I know that even though I have forgotten everything about you, but when I think of the first guy in my life, the feeling will always be the same.

I wish that this is the last time I am being immature in your view. After all, we will be strangers again. Isn’t I don’t want to come close to you as friend but as because you are too cool and cold after what had happened, I can’t come to you as friend anymore.

New Year 2010

Today is 1st of January 2010. There are many changes in my life starting from today.

This year is the first year that yesterday (31st December) I didn’t join any count down event. Besides that, it is also a special year that I got scolded by my mother during New Year Eve for her mood isn’t nice due to the stupid family dinner that we have just now. I had dinner with my mother-side relatives just now and my mum got so mad at something that I couldn’t figure out. She stops me from going to BERC for bbq after the end of the dinner and just said, DON’T GO. Inside the car, with the present of most of the relatives, including the most busybody and problemcreator. So, good girl mah, I said OKAY. End up, back to home, got scolded for no reason and so, what did I do? I kept quiet and do something to remove my focus on my mother. I know she needs a way to get rid of her anger on her sisters. I am okay with that but I am not okay with not letting me out. I want to meet my friends and I were promised to go. Anyway, never mind now. 2009 passed and 2010 is here. Just do my best to accomplish all my promises to others.

This year I am officially becoming an adult. I am 18!! I can have my baptism on December 2010. hahahaha.. I am look forward to that very much! Besides that, I have already start working in SBC Kindergarten. Still able to communicate well with others, Praise God for that! Transport problem just solved half. Another half waiting for my friend, Phui Kee to ask her friend, Nehemiah. We will have 3 helpers, me, Phui Kee and Nehemiah. PK and I will be in Auntie Miao Moi and Auntie Siew Jin’ class. Nevemiah will be in Auntie Tit Yen’s class. Both are Year 1 Classes. During School reopen, we will be helping in selling the uniforms. I don’t know how it is going to be but will try my best and do my best. Besidessssssssss that, I just love the way I am now x)

What else I want to share? Hmmm…

I realized I made someone misunderstood today yet I don’t feel like explain anything. I wrote a status on my facebook today which is “Maybe I should forget about you and do my best in my serving in Kindergarten for now.” I was wanted to refer that to a guy that I have met for few times. I said I should forget about him because I know there is impossible to us. He is a Pharmacist in the general hospital. We seldom meet but if we did, I can’t stop laughing at him because of something funny about him. He has a cute smile, a smile that belongs to children, naive yet I feel that there is truthfulness each time he smiles to me. Besides that, he is just an ordinary people with an ordinary appearance. I wished so much to meet him in the hospital each time I go there for my check-up and taking my medicine but I only met him for once and he was too busy to talk with you. I never wanted to fool myself or ignore my feeling or whatever it is. Just I feel not right, no reason. So, it is better that I focus on something else rather than this unacceptable love fantasy.

New Year, New Environment, New Responsibilities, New Heart, New way of thinking but still living for the same God, serving the same God, building up relationship with God..never stop =)

And yeah, one more..will you ever consider to be friend with a person that other people that knew this person very well say she is a petty, criticism and sometimes a little bit irresponsible? However, she is calm, helpful and supportive in some way as well.

I don’t know.

I have think about my 2010 resolution last night after the weirdest conversation I had with Johnson. There are a lot of things that I want to improve in me. Such as, continue having an active lifestyle, cook more special meals or maybe a weird one, spend more time with my mum, begin a relationship, work harder, serve more wholeheartedly and faithfully, socialize more with young people, especially children, and get old x)

I don’t know how much I can done there but I will try my best. I am currently in a neutral yet sad mood. I spoke my mind to a guy that I love so much. He is considered as my ex. I have a lot of things to say. Including my sorrys and my feelings along the 3 months we separated. However, I don’t manage to tell him anything. I just know that he can never accept me. Because I am naive. Because I don’t have a pretty outlook. Because feelings just changed. Love isn’t care or good will or whatever….

He loves mature people and that’s why he don’t love someone easily. He likes everything in her and in fact, stuff in her belongs to me! He wants me to let go. I will do that. I really will learn to do so. Just allow myself to cry for one more time. I want to have a date when I get 18. I wished so much the partner will be him. There is no other guy that know me like him. Since, I am not accepted. I won’t begin a relationship so fast. I will only start loving another person when I totally let go of him. I don’t know when I can do that.

I have lost another person that I trusted the most but I don’t regret of what I did just now. I knew there will be tears in my eyes but now, it is due to sadness but not happiness. I have prepared for the worst, when the worst came, I still felt to control my emotion. I got pissed when he said about appearance. If we like a person because of his appearance what will happen when one day he losts his nice look? I believe one’s appearance influence his/her life. Ordinary appearance doesn’t mean I don’t deserve love.

Following is what I tell the person but I didn’t manage to do so.

3个月来，我以为我可以像以前那样可以放下所发生的一切继续生活
唯一不同的是，心中比以前多了一分自责
渐渐我发觉我变得很假…
表面上，我似乎仍然可以快乐地过生活，和认识你之前一样
实际上，我除了对你有很多的对不住，在想念你的时候和
发觉依然还很喜欢你的时候，感到很自责
我过的不快乐

我不想再假下去，不想再去掩饰我的感觉，
不想明明很不开心都还要对人笑
我曾经以为另一段新的关系可以令我忘记你
但是我没有开始过，因为我知道那是很自私的行为，
也知道世界上根本没有任何一个人可以代替你。

我们还会不会有机会在一起？我明白或许现在有很多的事情都不一样了
但是可不可以给我一个机会改过？

我不知道你看了这番话后会有什么反应，也不敢去想
我不想你觉得我很cheap，我只是将心中要说的话说了出来
我就有不会遗憾了…

我还是很喜欢你…我知道自己不美丽但是我希望你看到的是我对你的关心和感情
而不是单单我的外表…

Tomorrow I need to back to SBC kindergarten for job interview if I am accepted. I will be start working in very soon. Keep me in prayer.

End of winter(冬至)

Today is another Chinese Traditional day named as “Dong Zhi” or translated in English as “End of winter”. I used to hate this day so much, when I was young. It is because my dad passed away on the next day (23rd of December). He died at 3pm. When he left me, I am just 6 year old. Having lotsa imagination, hoping he will bring me to school one day and I will live as a princess under his and my mum’ guidance. It is just a dream to me now. I have to no reason or excuse to depend on anyone now or even hoping to have a princess life style. The reality doesn’t allow me to do so but I believe in God I always can depend on Him.

My dad passed away at 23rd of December 1998. I was just 6 year old at that time. I thought it was end of the world. I lost my dad, my mum is stroked, I have no brother or sister, my life is in a mess. That influenced me a lot in my personalities and characteristic. I only have 5 dong zhi with my dad because the 6th dong zhi, he is in the hospital and me and mum don’t really celebrate that as our family isn’t everyone staying together. I couldn’t forget how shocked and how painful is my heart when my uncle told me, my dad died. I thought it was a dream. I was taking a nap and then someone wake up and told me I have go to hospital now! Your dad is going to leave you! I wished so much it was a dream. If it is a dream, my dad will still be with me now. He will still able to see my graduated from primary and secondary school with excellent results. For years, I have been study hard. Not only for myself, for my dad as well. I know he always wanted me to do so as he wanted that so much when he was alive. He used to spent time with me everyday to do revision. I am so regret that I didn’t appreciate his effort and time on accompany me to do my homework.

I am sorry, dad.

Tomorrow will be my dad’s death 11th year anniversary. Before I came to Christ, I always tried to run away from this day. This is the day my life changed. This is the day bitterness starts to surrounding me. This is the day my family is broken. This is the day I am not a little princess of my dad anymore. After I came to Christ, I have learnt to appreciate this lost of my family member. Because of his leaving, I became tougher. I became more trustworthy and be responsible. Even though sometimes I really want to be like other youth, enjoying life without worry about anything but I know I cant be like them and I won’t like it. I appreciate his leaving as it makes me to grow mature and it built up me as a strong girl at outside but still a little girl in inside. Sometimes, when we give thanks for something we have lost, we will feel joy but not sadness of what we have lost. The most grateful is I have came to Christ because of this lost of family member. If he didn’t passed away, I wouldn’t came across with my counselor and I wouldn’t came to know Christ.

I really grateful that God has such a great plan in my life. Although I have suffered a lot, I believe those sufferings are purposely used to build me up to be a mature daughter and mature Christian.

I hope this year, the 11th year of my dad leaving, when I am 17, I won’t feel sad on this day anymore because the spring is in front of me which is the Lord. The Lord blessed my life so much and it is already end of the winter. I thank God for my mum, myself and everyone around who have build me up before and as well who have hurt me before. Hurting is hurt but this hurt will encourage me to be more have more forgiveness in my life and always know that I am the best in the Lord.

I wish today is happy day for all the Chinese. This is a meaningful day to me as well as it is a family gathering day and as well as symbolized the winter of my life had come to an end. I will living my tomorrow with joy in my heart =)

Jolly

From discouraged to sad, from sad to complaining, from complaining to almost gave up, from almost gave up I am raised, encouraged by an angel that God sent today. I have been so down since Friday. Many people asked me am I okay, I tend to ignore my own feeling and pretend that I am okay. Probably I am not make used to be cared by so much people. I am not a secure people. I can tell you everything about me but I can’t show my emotions to you even though sometimes I know not intentionally I shown it on my face.

I have been so discouraged these 2 days. First, about the miming. Second, about what a youth told me and encourage me to leave SBC. Third, desire of want to get a date is getting stronger and stronger and I felt so bad so bad about it.

I attended a youth party yesterday. At there, I met a guy named Jack. He looks so alike with the guy that previously together with me. Another than that, I think he suit the things that I wanted in a guy that future to be my partner. He is a Christian. He has passion in serving the Lord and also in music. He is a nice person and mostly important I feel happy when I am with him. I know I am still too young for this. I know I have to wait for the Lord and wait for the one but I really feel like I want it now. I want to be friend with Jack. I want to get know of him slowly and everything about him. I want to serve together with him in the Lord passionately using our talents in music. The problem now is we aren’t in the same church. We aren’t having any connection. We aren’t in the same school. He is still study in Yu Yuan whereby I already graduated. I have no idea about am I able to be together with this guy but now, I really just want to be friend with him first. I want to know more about him before I get my head into him. I don’t want what happened to me before this happen again.

Actually, is wrong to feel like want to have a boy friend? I am not ready fully but I still urge to want to have one. I am not wanting a puppy love but a serious relationship.

Today, as I said, I am encouraged by a person. She pointed out my weaknesses and she gave me a lot of suggestions that I should being myself in church and it still can be cool. I realized I tried to please people and fit myself into the group. I so mind how people look at me until I feel like only I can fit myself into the group means I am accepted by the youth. I know now is the time I should stop thinking how people look at me. Doing mime is a good training to me whereas that’s the first time I stop thinking how people look at me or comment about my size in performing that dance. I appreciated I have the chance to learn mime and building up my self esteem. I felt the joy is back to me again when I decided to start being myself. I can handle everything well, including my emotions when the councils told me I am not accepted to serve in KS because the timing is not right due to not enough senior to train us. Yet, they are so thoughtful and recommended to serve in kindergarten.

I am just a piece of stone and I am ready to be placed by my creator in the place where it is suitable me to make the ministry perfect. That’s why I don’t feel sad. In contrast, I am happy that I am so blessed to have a group of thoughtful adult leaders leading me and protecting me and my feelings. I will give the church my decision on Christmas eve. For years, I have been receiving gifts from the church and this year, is my turn to give my service to God as a gift =)

Another reason I be so jolly today because I noticed when I intentionally changing my way toward people and remind me myself to be nice to my friends. They changed themselves as well. I found the fun and joy that I experienced when I were together with Victor and Valerie before this. Me and Victor and Cindy can talk about all things even I can admit my weaknesses in front of them. I feel secure when I am with them. I will continue to being myself and at the same time do examine on myself all the time so I can always be focused on how God looks at me but not how people look at me.

Be blessed.

** To readers who are from Sandakan, I am here to invite you to join my church event on Christmas Eve, 24th December. We have music night on that night and you are welcomed to join and celebrate the birthday of Jesus. My church is Sandakan Baptist Church. It is located at the Chi Hwa road, the junction of the roundabout. If you are interested but not knowing well where is my church, you can call me at 016 8147356 or email me at [jacklyn_undo@hotmail.com] =)

Jack-lyn

I met him but he doesn’t suitable to me according to what his friend told me. He looks like him and the result still the same. We won’t be impossible in getting together. Still I thank God I met him.

Downs? Ups? Depend on yourself!

Today is a downs and ups day. However, it still passed. Depend on myself and God make many differences in my mood of this day.

I went for mime practice today and I didn’t selected. I am so disappointed! I did my part, I practice when I have time but I don’t get chosen because I AM INVOLVED IN TOO MUCH MINISTRIES AND SHOULD GIVE THIS CHANCE TO OTHER PEOPLE! COM’ON! THIS IS MY FIRST TIME TO INVOLVE IN MIME! Never mind. Just allow me to express myself. I can’t accept it when people saw and knew my efforts on something but ignored. I am not blaming the leaders but why?! Just because I involve in too much ministries, you cut off my right? When need people to serve, you ask, you call, you repeating the same thing to beg youth to serve. When it comes to another ministry and new youth are involved, you are kicked out because you need to give the chance to the new youth! I am so disappointed and angry! I kept calm today because I know its stupid to have argument with them which shows that I am naive and lower my own reputations.

Eyen said the mimer will be chosen based on the person’s testimony. Hahah..is this showing I am not having a good testimony?! I have no comment on that because I am a sinner and I don’t want to be judged! Har~ So down. But as he said, living in reality you have to depend on yourself because no people can help you in mentally or even physically. I really appreciate what you told me.

When I were down, I remember what God said in Romans 12:19. Vengeance is HIS! A youth told me today. I got a lot of enemies because I am serving wholeheartedly even serving in something that I shouldn’t involved. He also told me, he is so amazed and surprised that I am still staying in SBC after encounter a lot of challenges and bullies by the youth, by their words. Well, I think this is the power of prayer that keep me stay in SBC. I promised God that SBC is my last church that I will be going. If I leave this church, it will only be when I go to another place for living. So, when this youth said those to me, I am so grateful that I finally did something I promised to God, promised to Pastor Bun before. I will continue to be strong in God, no matter what happened, I will still stay in SBC until the day the Lord wants me to leave.

I have planned my holiday to leave to KK on 25th December until 28th December. I am really looking to that. I planned to stay in at Tune hotel and Novotel hotel which located at 1 Borneo or maybe Cititel Express hotel. I love hotel!! hahahaa.. I can jump on the bed and have western breakfast. Beside that, I will shop until my legs cramp!! Hahahah..I want to buy clothes and stuff for new year and my buddies in school.

Well, seriously, I will always depend myself when I am in church. I am there for God but not for people. I don’t bother anymore what bad words or stories that create behind me for I know the Lord will keep in mind of that and one day will take revenge for me. I should be glad I have Him to protect me even though it need a long time of waiting process and praying for those who wanted to “kill” me. However, sorry lah.. I am grass. I won’t die because you step on me..I am grew under a “stepping” background. People look down on me and my family, damaging us with words but after years, I look back, they are just like a joke and encourage messages to me be strong and forgiveful.

Move-it (Movie) night

Had a good time with my friends last night and watched movie Avatar. Besides that, I met one of my youth leader and his girl friend. He was the one help us to bought the ticket where there were lots of people. I really love the movie that I watched last night. Nice graphics, creative idea and lovely love story. Jake Sally is so sexy and especially when he is inside the Na’vi. I love the Na’vi! I even wish I am a Na’vi. Meeting my love one there, riding dragon and Toruk =)

Next plan we will be going for karaoke. I am still not sure when it will be. Just one of my friends bring this topic up and I am wondering can he sing? I never hear him singing, I am serious curious about that. There is another new friend joined us that night as well. We are quite close friend in church and that’s the first time I went together with him. Feel good because we can talk a lot and he is like a little brother to me. I feel like I am being a big sister to him. Hahahaha…

After movie, there is move it. My desire of wanting to get back together with him is getting stronger each day. This flame was died but after my exam, this flame started to glow back. I was worry, I was afraid that I can’t control my mind and stop this desire. I start to be sure so much that I am ready for a relationship. This is really a dangerous thought. I can’t stop it. I even wanted to talk to him and tell him that I still can’t let go of him even though 3 months passed. My heart tells me to go because even though he rejects me, at least I have do something that I really want to do and I won’t regret next time. I never wanted admit he is my first love, never. I never want to do that because I were his second girl friend when he was in a relationship. The truth is, he is my first relationship that I committed seriously even though it is a fault.

Is there still possible for us to be together again? I still like you like before. This time I am liking with who I am, not the fault me anymore. I will love you with the same heart that used to touched your life, cared your life and bring comforts to you but the different is I am the real me with the heart that used be with you. I don’t mean to make myself cheap but I just want tell you my true feelings along these 3 months. You are so true. You will always have a place in my heart, my life, my memory and I will never forget you.

Should I say that to him?

Sunday Youth Group Icebreaker Games

I am assigned to lead game for my youth service next week. Usually, I feel excited and worry when I know I have to lead games although this is my second time xD For most of the time, I play my role as participant in games leading by others and I see the weaknesses of some games that couldn’t involve everyone. This is quite hard to involve everyone if people just want to make certain people down. So, when I am looking games, I have to concern about is it going to work for my church youth? Is this games able to involve everyone or at least most of the people? Is this game able to cheer up them and really shows the role of ice breaking to let them be interactive with one another? I am so thoughtful =.=

I have 5 games in mind now. The first one is:

1) Honey, do you love me? (Honey, I love you but I just can’t smile.)
This game is go like this : everyone sits in a circle, and one person is picked to start the game. The basic play goes like this: The person who is picked (so call “it”) says to someone else in the room, “Honey, do you love me?” The person he/she asks must reply “Honey, I love you, but I just can’t smile.” (obviously, without smiling!) If they can do it without smiling, the person who was “it” must keep asking people around the room until someone smiles. Then they’re it. The person who is “it” can use whatever theatrics they’d like…batting eyelashes, making faces, silly voices…to try to get the other person to smile.

2) Human knot
A group of 8-16 people stand in a small circle facing each other. Everyone sticks their hands into the center of the circle and randomly grabs someone else’s hand with each of their own hands. The objective of the game is to untangle this “human knot” without anyone letting go of a hand, ending up with one large circle (although sometimes, two separate or linked circles might be the end result). The participants have to step over or under each others linked arms, with the close physical proximity and silly maneuvers breaking the ice between strangers. This game also requires team work and decent leadership skills in one or more participants.

3) Who am I?
Get a 4 – 6 members of the group to sit at the front of the room and write celebrity/ Bible characters/ names on the board behind them. The people facing them have to answer questions with yes or no answers only to help the person find out who they are. Eg: “Am I tall?”, “Am I a singer?”, “Am I an athlete?” This game encourages people to speak out in a group.

4) Big wind blow
Read big wind blow in Cantonese then you know what’s this game.

5) Lining up by name (Come to order)
Divide the group into two (the more youth, the longer the game will last). Once the groups have been determined, have them line up alphabetically according to their names. The first team to accomplish this correctly wins. If you have a smaller group or you’d rather not have a winning team/losing team, you could always do one, big, long line instead. [The group that loses the game will have to do one punishment that assigned by the winner group =)]

5 games here. Which one should I choose? Gimme suggestions~~