The DARK side of the xxxxx world

I know there are a lot of people reading my blog, mixed with those who care about me, those who want to spy on my life, looking for my faults and creating gossips and also those who judging me with my words in the past but not now. I am not trying to referring this to anyone or offend anyone or make anyone cry in front of their mothers like a little baby after this post. If you think what I said about is referring to you, I can only say I am sorry that you are too sensitive and please leave this page before your mood is spoilt.

I am going to be an adult. I need to be responsible to my action, my words, my emotions and everything that related to me. I clearly understand that. Although not everyone around doing the same – being responsible to themselves but it is none of my business, they have their parents or even leaders to teach them about this. I am not really needed to tell them to be responsible for themselves. I am so aggressive today. I have been hidden up my emotion for a week! Within this week, I start to understand what Clive used to tell me, Becoming an adult makes you emotionless and there is no more joy. I wasn’t agree with it but now I am.

Stabbing at the back isn’t the kid stuff. Adult did them as well. They look like they really care about you but when you really need them, you text them, they don’t really have time to talk to you. Another point is after submit the application of Kingdom Service, I don’t dare to really express myself to anyone about my emotions. It is doomed for my emotional management for the last week! Although I might not becoming a Kingdom staff, I felt stress to blog on my blog. There are many people reading my blog and some of them don’t really care about me instead they make story behind me. God can forgive my sins, I can let go my past but can you, people forgive, forget and accept the fact that I am changing?

I always believe God will bless the good person but punish the bad person as He said in the Bible. However, what I see now is, bad people are getting much and people loves to listen what bad people said. I am serious about this! Did you ever see a good and polite student gets her friends’ favorite? NO! I am not a good and polite but I am a dedicated person. I did everything well as long as I get an order. I am not saying God didn’t work out His promise but I am tired of waiting. I give out a lot of efforts in serving the Lord but at the last minute, my efforts were ignored, neglected. I can’t say they let me down, I can only say I am not enough good to be accepted.

I waited so many years, 7 years to be baptized! Only God knows what do I feel every year when I witness people getting baptized but their lives didn’t change! I have a lot of advice to my friends. I want to advice them family is always first before church and ministry. I want to advice them to be grateful when you have the religious freedom in your hands, you need no worry and pay lots attentions about the religion conflict in your family. I want to advice them we have to put our hearts and efforts into everything that we do. We might not get reward but our Father in heaven will reward us. I served the Lord and the church members wholeheartedly and my mum was disagree with me. She said there is no money, no reward for you. Why you want to go? I said because the Lord will reward me in heaven and pour out His blessings into our family. His blessings on our financial is the evidence the Lord rewards me. People, you really have to appreciate of what you have. When you are enjoying something, maybe that is something others don’t have the chance to enjoy it.

Next year is the 8th year that I have came to Christ. If there is nothing happen, I can be baptized at the end of the year. Another 13 months of waiting. I don’t know what I gone through that 7 years but I assure you, I got equipped by God every year. Each year, I learn something, experienced God in my life. There are ups and downs in my spiritual being. Each up, I tasted the sweetness of God’s love. Each down, God’s grace and power hold me up. No one will understand what I experienced in God. I don’t regret I have became a Christian and have suffered a lot because of my words, actions and as well as because of my special religious background. I have faith in the Lord that in the coming years, I will encounter more challenging stuff and challenging people but I know He will hold me all the time. If you ask me why I am sure to give up all the chances to further study and only apply for Kingdom Service, I will answer you because I am born to serve the Lord and His people and by faith, I have offer my future, my life, my everything to God. I can’t tell you what and how is the experience when you are really in God but trust me, it inexpressible yet you always feel like you want to tell the world!

After writing a long post, I still haven’t say what’s the real sorrows in my heart. It is recently I start to doubt on some people that I trusted in so much. I think I am influenced by my mother. My mum said they are trying to stop me from getting what I wanted for so long. I don’t know yet I am still doubting them. Sound stupid, right?

Mood swings

I don’t know how to describe my day, it is neither a sad day or happy day. I had extreme mood swing today. I was so depressed, depressed until I don’t want to talk to anyone and just staying in my own world. Another minute, I got so hyper and can discuss movies with my friends. Another minute, I got back to depressed again. I doubt that I got depression. However, I am tired to check out that on any healthy website.

Yesterday was hmmm..emotional trauma? I back from school with a pretty mood and when I stand on the weight scale, I got so angry, frustrated, sad and at last I thrown my glasses to the table, run into the room and start crying. My mum came in later and start scolding me ” why you are crying? your mum is going to die, is it? bla bla bla bla ” After that, she went on for her nap (=.=|||) Sweat, right? However, it is okay for me because that’s the way she treat throughout the 11 years. Once I cry, she start nagging. That’s why I hardly cry and really need much effort on managing my emotions. Example like at home I scolded by her and really sad, really want to cry but I can’t, arrived church or other places, I need to force myself to smile. I am not happy as you thought I am, seriously! Especially you have a mother that really want you to be a strong girl in all aspects including emotional.

Sigh..

Stander or runner?

I have encounter to a situation that make me take a time to look into my devotion today – Stander or runner. Me and my friends planned a simple dinner birthday celebrate for one of our friends. So, I was asked to stop at one of my friends’ house and she is A. I arrived her house and I heard her mother start shouting and scolding at her. I stunned there. I know this is not the right time for me to enter the house and from what I heard, I basically able to guess what happened. I phoned another friends of mine and stop by at her place. I walked away and just leaving A scolded by her mother. In this situation, am I doing the right thing? Just walk away? Am I being a good friend in this situation?

I did imagine if I really walk into the house, it will make A’s mother more angry and even press harder on punishing my friend. I don’t know am I doing the right thing in this matter. I can’t really enjoy myself throughout the night. I keep on thinking about this. I can understand why a mother so angry when her daughter didn’t tell her when she make a decision and tend to force her to let her out when her friends are going out. I understand how a mother felt because I used to be like A and my mum did punish me as well and when I prayed to God, I don’t hate my mum but I learn to respect her. I am being a runner in this situation. Am I doing the right thing?

Me and another friend of mine just had a simple dinner with the birthday boy and we even cancel the stream bowl. I am not satisfied tonight. I am still craving for food and I really don’t have the mood to count or measure how much calories I have taken today or maybe I should say, tonight. I pretend sleeping in the cinema because I don’t know what to do with my feeling. I felt so bad because maybe now my friend is punishing by her mother and I am enjoying myself here! I felt like I should be responsible to her. I have told her for 3-4 times that tell her mother that we are going out tonight. She said okay okay and I thought she will really be okay and I didn’t really phone and ask her mother’s permission about that again.

Is this my fault or her fault? I have really no idea. I have different perspectives when I look upon this matter in different angle. It can be my fault because I didn’t phone her mother and ask her permission and just leaving my friend asking her facing her mother alone. It can be her fault as well because I told her many times to tell her mother about the outing but not forcing her mother to let her out when we are leaving from her house. However, I rather that is my fault.

I am being a irresponsible program planner and a runner to a friend that scolding by her mother. But sometimes it is so hard to do something, when arguments are happening in a family. Every family have their own difficulties to deal with and rules to obey that others that don’t belong to the family will not understand. I am in dilemma. Sigh, God..what is the lesson I have to learn in that?

I studied a lesson from my devotion that we should be a stander to our friends. Just as the Bible said in Proverbs 17:17 “A friend loves at all time, a brother is born for adversity.” I will continue to be stander to all my friends, starting for this moment. I will pray for A because that’s the only thing I can do and if there is a need of apologize, I will apologize to her mother.

God, please give me Your heavenly peace and teach me the lesson to keep everything in prayer. Amen!

Random~

Sorry for being lazy for days..
I am up to home schooling recently..
Wake up real early, sleeping real early also..
Does study make a person tired to write?
I am tired to write now..
Another reason is..
My mum and my kitten
are making fun of me…
jumping here and there…
My mum encouraged the kitten to
“disobey” me!!
Good night, people..
I need to chase away the naughty kitten..

By the way,
I am thankful to God that
today He gave me strength to face my faults..
I am grateful that I am no longer
living under a fearful situation -
afraid of people found out what I have done..
Thank you Lord,
that You helped me to live a better live for You,
You have overcome me =’)

Wanna cry?

I have this “need” once I step out of Victor’s car. I feel like I am a clown and I am abandoned when the fun time is over. Joyce, her friends, Cindy, Victor and I had a little early birthday party today. We had lunch at Joyce’s place. I promised Chryselle that I will go jogging with her but at the last minute, Victor and Joyce call off about going to jogging.

I felt that I am not respected. Yes, in a way, I have passion in people. I love people and I serve them in terms of hoping them to see Christ in my life. As Jesus said He is here to serve but not to be served. I can be patient and continue loving people who treat me like hideaway when they are in trouble. I can be patient and loving those who hurt me in words and actions both purposely and not purposely. I am like a clown. I show smiling face to people and behind them I cry because of they hurt me with words and actions. I know sometimes I am oversensitive but can they think of how I feel when they say something?

I know I did hurt people with words. I am sorry to say so. Is really God really want me to be a clown? What God want me to be? Tell me please. Jesus serves people and at the same time, people still hating Him and Jesus faced this problem with always come to God when He has a problem and never give up on them. I want to do like that as well. I am learning to be. Is that what God wants me to be?

I wanna cry because I really hurt from the deep inside. Am I growing too fast? Am I too stressed? I see things in different perspectives that others who are same age with me. Why, God? What’s happening to me? Is it my false in this situation? Am I too stressed up on how they feel, how You want me to be and ignore my own feeling? Is it now too late for me to be heal from this hurt? Lord, teach me the ways continue to have compassion on people, focusing on what You wants me to be and as well as take note of my feeling in my serving.

Lord, let me do not ignore or neglect the product of combination of Your truth and my faith. Guide me with Your Holy Spirit.

Fellowship – great fun!

I was informed that DotA will have fellowship today yesterday. I confirmed with Chun Vui at once after I received his message. I joined DotA group since early of this year. We did a lot of things together. We hang out together. We do Bible study together. We laugh, we share, we learn, we care and we grow together. Officially, DotA group stands for Disciples of the Almighty Group. It is not Defend of the Ancient Game, okay, people?

I think I didn’t join DotA for 2 months. I don’t manage to join the class is because I am having baptism class now. I am looking forward to be baptized by 25th of December, Christmas =) I still have not get a clear confirmation from my mother about I can be baptized before 17 or not but I am telling her this every now and then. Purpose in getting her to be ready about this. I used to worried about she will not accept but she didn’t respond nor reject when I told her about this take away my worries. It shows that she is learning to accept. I am so blessed to have an open minded mother. Well, she will let me do whatever I want but not something that against the Law. She gives me freedom to determine what is right and wrong and be responsible to all my actions. I have faced many side effects that brought by what I have done but I am not regretting my mum treating me this way because she makes me more mature compare to others who are same age with me.

Enough about mother. hahahaha~ I car pooled with Chun Vui, Natasha and Crystal to Eyen’s place. Besides that, Cason was late today! Due to he doesn’t know where Eyen stays, so Chun Vui decided wait for him at the entrance of Tshun Yen. Cason was late and Chun Vui nagged on him about that. I think that is funny because Cason and Chun Vui are really close friend and the way they act this afternoon are funny! LOL~ When I arrived Eyen’s place, she was preparing the chocolate cake. The cake is nice and thank God it didn’t cause me to gain any kgs (I have my exercise – extra session for that 2 pieces of chocolate cake xD). Eyen also made baked-bread-top-with-cheese-and-sugar for us. It is nice, I want to have more but concern about the appointment date is near and I am starting to lose weight, I stop myself from getting more food. We also have honeylemon as our drink. Sometimes I really wonder how Eyen does all that. She can cook, bake, make nice drink..and much more than that..and YEAH! Be the mother of DotAs.

We have movie session at Eyen’s place as well. We have like 11 DotAs attended today, plus Hao Ning and Eyen. We have 13 people. 13 of us sitting in Eyen’s living room and watching horror movie. It is really suffering to me. First, I don’t watch Horror movie. It is because as a Christian, from the teachings of the Bible, my body is a temple of God and His Holy Spirit. It is suppose to be holy and clean. When I watch horror movie, I will easily remember the scary part. It will allow me to let the evil spirits to stay in my heart – staying at the place that God stays!! How sinful is that! This is what Pastor Siew Mooi told me. That’s why I never and I don’t watch horror movies. I did that today and I have to pay for the price – being oversensitive and wondering are there ghosts here and there. Second, I hate to be shouting like a girl even though I am a girl. In my own concept, people do like that doesn’t mean I have to do like that also. I will shout when I am shocked by the sound effect. I am regretting of watching horror movie today, still feeling scare now >.< [Pray for me, to those who are reading right now.] I must pray hard and sleep well tonight, I can't let the fear overtaken me because God said in Love, there is no fear and I have God and God is love =)

After some simple clean ups and chess playing time, we all went home lah~ I am still car pooling with Chun Vui and had a meaningful conversation with him. It is such a great relief that you can found someone who is mature and close to you to talk to about what you are facing. Chun Vui is my primary school classmate and due to he really changed a lot since the last 5 years I saw him, he is really a special friend to me. Plus, he is the leader of DotA group.

21 ways for?

1. Give people more than they expect and do it cheerfully.
2. Marry a man/woman you love to talk to. As you grow older, their conversational skills will be as important as any other.
3. Don’t believe in all your heard, spend all you have or sleep all you want.
4. When you say, ” I love you “, mean it!
5. When you say, ” I am sorry “, look the person in eyes.
6. Be engaged six months before you get married.
7. Believe in love at first sight.
8. Never laugh at anyone’s dreams. People who don’t have dreams don’t have much.
9. Love deeply and passionately. You might get hurt but it’s the only way to live life completely.
10. In disagreements, fight fairly. No name Calling.
11. Don’t judge people by their relatives.
12. Talk slowly but think quickly.
13. When someone asks you a question you don’t want to answer, smile and ask, “why do you want to know?”
14. Remember that great love and great achievements involve great risk.
15. Say “Bless you” when you hear someone sneeze (LOL!)
16. When you lose, don’t lose the lesson.
17. Remember 3 Rs : Respect for self, respect for others and responsibility for all your actions.
18. Don’t let a little dispute injure a great friendship.
19. When you realized you’ve made a mistake, take immediate steps to correct it.
20. Smile when pick up a phone. The caller will hear that in your voice.
21. Spend some time alone.

Lazy bugs

I am a lazy bug. I will starve when the winter approach because I did not store up any food. Lalalala~~ Lazy bug…

Sorry buddies, I am a bit crazy and hyper after done some intensive revision on my Form4 Biology just now. I have so many things flying in my head now. Cell la..mitochondria lah..plant/human respiration, photosynthesis and equationsssssssssss. I hope I can keep them in my brain until SPM.

I said I am a lazy bug because I did not go to school today. hahahaha..my friend sms-ed me and call me lazy bug just now. I like that nickname anyway. I am really a lazy bug. I sleep, eat, study and then sleep and then shit and then online and then study again. Well, quite sounds like a lazy bug if without the study session.

I don’t know should I talk about this here. Just…well…should we continue believing in love? To me, I think we have to always believe in love because God is love and love brings hope. Only because of compassion and love to others, we will have an urge of sharing the Gospel to people. I have a friend. I don’t know what happened to him. He seems to be sad. He doesn’t believe in love..because he said don’t too into believing that that is love because we can love others but we can’t expect people to love us. I don’t know what to say here. I did personally sent him a mail about that. Sigh..

Jazz – Renfrew Group

I am going to talk about one of the music genre that I am so into since 12 – Jazz. Jazz is a musical art which is stylistically origins from blues, folk, march and ragtime. Its culture origins from New Orleans and started to spread out since Early 1910s. Besides that, typical instrumentals that can play jazz are saxophone, piano, guitar, drums, double bass, vocals, clarinet, trumpet, trombone, tuba and vibraphone. Soon enough, Jazz had spread and improved to be different subgenres like bebop and chamber jazz, as well as Fusion jazz like acid jazz and bluegrass.

In different genres of Jazz, I admire the most are Vocal Jazz, Free Jazz, Acid Jazz, Rhythm and blues and Orchestral Jazz. I get to know all these genres through English oldies, songs and classical music that I listen to. I know that might caused you to think that I am a boring person. I have that thought as well but I have no idea why am I still so into that. I have even fall in love with Jazz and Classical during my preteen time until now, almost going to be a young people. I think Jazz and Classical were misunderstood by the world, it is not boring, and if it is boring to you, it is because you are too busy to sit down and listen to the music and learning to comprehend how much effort/love/sadness/bitter that the composer have placed them into this song.

I watched some videos in Youtube today. They are a debut concert that performed by a group called RenFrew Group. They are a group of music passionate people from Hong Kong. They do really nice Jazz and some Classical music. The saxophonist and vocalist in this group is a brother to a friend of mine, Clive. I admire the passion of this group of people, where they willing to spend time together to practice and compose nice music for all. Some of them were graduated from Hong Kong Baptist University. That really shows that Baptist Churches in Hong Kong really help a lot in the education system of Hong Kong. Besides that, I am wondering, all those people who graduated from Hong Kong Baptist University, are they Christian as well? I really look forward RenFrew Group can performed some Christian songs, if they are able to do so.

The pianist of RenFrew Group is Patrick Lui. Well, I admire his skill on playing jazz genre music. It was amazing (to me lah~) and I really the piano part in the song “There will be never another you” Besides that, their drummer impressed me as well. Their drummer is a girl and I think she really expert in drum and have experience in playing in a team. It is because her drum never cover over other instruments. It is not like my church, bi ling ba lang, end up drum is actually covered the vocals and guitar (Sorry about that, Mr. Drummer) I know that no one is perfect, so do take allowance to continue improve out skills in serving the Lord. I really look forward that the RenFrew Group can do more update about themselves because now it is like inactive and I am not satisfied with the informations that I got from their official website, it is kinda like too simple.

Besides of the pianist and drummer impressed me a lot, the saxophonist and vocalist did the same thing as well. As I said in the beginning he is a brother to Clive and his name is Perl. I like his voice, it is kinda like Kevin’s voice. However I think Kevin’s voice is nicer, more man xD Perl shocked me when he is playing saxophone together with others instrumentalists where there are trumpets and flute. I think he is amazing enough in playing saxophone. He starts learning that since 14. Earlier than Peow Yee. Still the same thing, although he is amazing enough and I really like that, I would like to encourage him continue to improve his skill.

I am craving for more Jazz and Classical saxophone. Anyone can give me some suggestions where to get them? I feel like want to play some Jazz with my keyboard now. Hohoho~ but it is too late, my mum will definitely kill me if I do so. I think I will learn more about Jazz in future =)

Good night, people.

SPM Syndrome

I am here today to introduce a new illness called – SPM Syndrome. It is founded by me xD

I have been attentive to my psychological activities (The way I think) and as well as my words and actions since a relationship of mine have failed last month. I lied to a person and caused that to happen and maybe I am just not the type of girl he wants. He wants a girl with a pretty face and pretty heart. Aha! That hurt me a lot when he said that directly to me. Well, I still love this person and I hope he really can found the type of girl he wants. I will continue to pray for him and I am learning to uphold this guy into God’s hand. I am not a psychopath. I do regret of what I done to him and in the past and sometimes I couldn’t get out from what I have done. I will keep repeating the same thing as a self punishment. I felt a sense of relieved when I am hurt by the same way I hurt someone else. I realized that when I was 16 year old and that’s the time I first time come across with studying Psychology.  I have been suffered on that when I had a heartbroken experience where I fall for a guy that doesn’t love me for 4 years.

Probably because of what I have done and experienced before, I tend to be attentive to myself, my inner self recently. There are and will be many things going on recently. Revisions, Interview with church councils, Appointment with dietitian and gynecologist and then SPM. I try to take everything easy but I can’t! When my weight is out of my control, I can’t stop myself from shouting and crying. When I found out my period is late, I can’t stop going to toilet and checking my panty for interval of 10 minutes! I am over anxious. I felt so stupid on that. I was still able to making fun about my appointment with the hospital before this, but now, I can’t! I reject the day it approach. I don’t think my weight and my result are perfect enough. It is too little to just lose 6 kgs in 4 months. However, what to do? The most important thing for me is study for my SPM. I don’t hope for straight “A”s but at least not failing any subjects and I am still panicky though I think this way.

Besides of being panicky, I found I have been so crazy and easily losing my mind. Example like, when I am studying and I heard people making noise, I feel like want to dash to them, give them two slaps or even have thought of killing them to ask them be quiet. I can’t control the way I think and I tend to do what I think. Like today, I almost slapped a classmate. She offended me in words and I can’t take it. She just shocked by my action – right hand waved up on the air. Sometimes I will feel like banging door, throwing stuff and it is like there is a monster in me and it wants to control me instead of obey me. It is so bitter. I afraid of losing control. My friend said I look like a horror movie actor recently. No smiles on my face, doing everything alone and not talking at all. I realized that as well. It is a burden for me to talk when I am stressed up. I afraid of hurting people in my words. I usually speak hurtful word when I am angry or stressed up.

Feeling of unworthy, unforgivable, high self expectations, panicky, tend to be in control but actually losing control, no joy and going through insanity…….all these showing my bad relationship with God, showing I am not knowing how great is my God, showing that I don’t believe I am forgiven when I confessed to God, showing that I am don’t believe that God’s grace is sufficient to me…showing much more much more – my sins. Sins is when you don’t believe in God or doing something against God’s law.

We always know that we should first find God when we have problems. However, we always tend to delay it and try to fix it yourself until you found out you can’t fix it, we only come to God. It is human nature – thought we will able to settle our own problems. Now, I know I shall look upon Jesus again. He never forsake me and you.

God said I am worthy and forgivable because He created me and He loves me. His love surpass every sins of mine when I came to him.

God said I should not have too high self expectations because He created me in purpose of asking me enjoy the world that He had created and no one have the right to judge others or himself except the Lord. Moderate expectation is accepted for accomplish a job which brings glory to God.

God said don’t be anxious instead keep everything in prayer and seek My kingdom and righteous first and all things shall be added unto you.

God said Jacklyn, don’t try to sit on the controller, you will only encounter crushes. Let Me control your life, let Me keep you under my wings because I love you and I am not just want you to serve me but as well as your life.

God said be joyful because there is no trouble that I can’t handle. Trust in Me, be faithful and be joyful.

God said don’t be insane and love is not a short form of insanity. It is a forever blessing to everyone. I shall keep you from all dangers and you will be safe and sound under my wings. Nothing shall harm you and caused you to be insane.

God said: Jacklyn, remember that I love You. I have given you my precious one and only Son to save you. Trust in me and My grace is sufficient for you.

I know this don’t sound like a post that stated in the title but I hope you guys enjoy it. God make me realized my false when I am blogging and God comfort me with His words on the Bible. I hope God did talked to you today and never stop to build up your relationship with God because God loves you and He just wanting you to talk to Him.

Another style I noticed in me and my writing…….. I am free style =)