两个月的时间

不知道为什么我总在我最无助，最烦恼的夜晚会想起他。想起他以前当我很无助很烦恼的时候给我的意见和支持。他可以让我依靠，暂时把背负照顾家庭的担子放下。我不必做任何的决定，不必去烦恼如何解决家里的事。这一些我都从没告诉他，我是那么依靠他。有他在身边身边的日子让我过得很开心，同时也开始忘记了除了他以外的事情。我不怪任何人，只怪自己还未成熟便去试不该试的东西。

一直以来因家庭背景做人做事都被逼只能透过和人之间的磨擦和问题吸取经验，逐渐变的潇洒谨慎。和他一起的时间，我却不用那么做。我可以和一般女生撒娇和处事大意但他都不会责怪我。我感谢上帝他在我生命中的出现。虽然我和他的关系未必上帝的旨意，我深信他离开后带给我生命中的影响是上帝要我学习的功课。我感谢上帝赐给我一个好人。一个在他离开后依然能让留泪的好人，证明了当初他对我是那么好，那么重要。最后却因为我的过错使我们分开。

他的出现让我学会保守一些保护自己的秘密。纵然很辛苦，但是却能够让我学会苦中作乐的功课。可是这功课却在我们分开后的两个月里，无法操作。两个月的时间，让我改变了很多。 虽然心很痛，我没有一天是放弃去为上帝而继续活下去。我积极面对生活因为我不想辜负他对我的原谅。我的过错，他没有责怪反而依然对我很好，只是我们不再像昔日和对方分享我们生活的一切。

从沮丧回到现实和原本的生活，是一件蛮困难的事。两个月的时间说长不长，说短不短但却足够让我经历了不少的事情，明白了一些世界的观念。两个月后，我回到了生命的轨道。我依然背负着照顾家庭的担子但是不一样的事，我更加依靠神。我依然在无助的夜晚里痛哭但是哭过后就重新开始。我的家庭需要我而我也一样需要它。我依然是一样的我，不同的是，比起我爸爸去世后的我，我更坚强了。

我不想像其他人在分手后，拖拖拉拉影响身边的人和使自己在人前蒙羞。行为上，我是很潇洒但是实际上，我不是。我依然想念他，依然奢望我们可以复合。我心里很清楚在我们分开后，你已经不再是同一个人。我对你的伤害，对自己的自责都让我们改变了。我变得更谨慎而你呢？我不知道但是我希望你下次能遇到更好的并一心一意地对待她。

我知道你不会再来看我的blog所以我也不再强逼自己学会用中文之星打广东话，也慢慢重新把生活专注于课业，家庭和宗教信仰。对于上帝，我还有亏欠的地方。我无法原谅自己当初所做的决定，成为你的第二个女朋友。我所做的正正和我的宗教信仰有所冲突。我不知道自己是否在后悔因为我不敢恋爱了。我害怕同样的事情发生在我的身上，我的男朋友有了除了我以外的女朋友。我不清楚你当时还爱不爱她但是无论答案是什么，我还是做错了。

两个月里，你让我明白以德报怨不是让自己的伤痛延续而是让对方后悔他的所作所为，让他的后悔，他的内疚啃噬他的心，他的灵，他的生命。你让我明白一时的冲动不是借口让我去逃避责任。做错事，在人前我们或许可以似乎不受良心的责备但是在单独的时候，我们一定会赤裸裸地受到自己良心的责备。谢谢你教会了我不是凡事都需要直接地看见结果。

希望你在日本的旅程愉快还有，向我以前答应你的，我只要你快乐 ＝)

“To have but not to own”

Gotong Royong [Short version]

Today is holiday. I arrived church at 8.30am to join the church gotong royong. At the same time, I had interview with some Councils at 10am. I cleaned some chairs together with some aunties and helped in cleaning the English hall. Today is really a tiring day and fun day.

I met a guy today. A guy that I met once in the general hospital pharmacy apartment. I still remember his smile to me when he asked me about am I going to take all the medicines. His smile to me just make me feel warm and he seems like he is just a kid. His smile make his a kid. Oh well, I worked together with him in the gotong royong today. There are some funny stuff happened but I don’t think it is right to share it here so I prefer it became a secret for the people who present today.

Well, I hope I don’t meet his pharmacist when it is my turn to get my own medicine. I am too embarrassed to let people who knows me to see my medication description. Hahahahaha..

Holiday and SURPRISE!

After 3 days of battle with Maths, Additional Maths and Moral, finally today is holiday. I slept quite late last night and end up I woke up 9 today with headache and right back muscle ache. I asked my mum help me to do some massage on that but it don’t really work =.=

Monday will be Biology papers. I have 80% on getting an A for that. Next will be Physics, Chemistry and Chinese. Can’t wait to finish SPM and get myself back to my diet project again. Consuming a lot of Protein recently but I didn’t gain any weight instead lost 1 kg without exercising.

Recently call from church office today. It is about interview for my application for Kingdom Service. I am so excited and grateful that I didn’t give time in this period of time when I am waiting for this call. I am waiting for this call since early of this month! I was wanted to give up last Sunday. Probably influenced by people’ words. Some relatives get to know I didn’t prepare for further my study and have applied to serve as Kingdom Staff. They just murmured saying I should do something beside that because I am good in study and should continue study instead serve in church and still becoming a burden to my mother. I was influenced by this, seriously I am. My mum doesn’t think that way. She supported me and wait together with me for the call. I really thank God for her and she never discourage throughout the time of waiting and encourage to believe in God.

My mum just woke up and I told her the good news and she wants to perform well tomorrow. I am too happy and it is more than words to express. Well, I should calm down and back to earth now. Should prepare for tomorrow performance by praying because I don’t know what will happen tomorrow.

Disobedience

I realize Christian always face a lot of problems and we always make it to live under such situations even overcame the problems that we face. Do we really look into why will we as Christian will face extra ++ problems compare to others? Well, personally, I think it is because problems are the best way we can be shaped. Through facing and solving problems by trusting God, it will shaped up our personality more to be like Christ.

When we sinned, we start to have sorrows. I always realized that. Sometimes I sinned and I didn’t repent, my life start to be upside down, everything just upside down. Disobedience brings a short term of joy and long term of sufferings if we didn’t repent to God. I will start to have problems after I sinned and didn’t repent and it always start at my emotional aspect and then social circles and then health and then study and then everything. It just expand expand and expand and I used felt so hopeless of myself. I think I don’t deserve anyone’ love or God’s love. I am too dirty to be stand in front of God and at the same time, I am too guilty to repent my sins.

Last Friday night, I had emotion disturbance again. During this period of National Examination, I try to maintain a cheerful and stress free situation in my emotions and thoughts. I was successful in doing this by meditating some Bible Verses that God’s promises to His Children. However on Friday night where I was preparing for Mathematics, I suddenly flashed back my relationship just ended at June. That’s the first time I lost control of my emotions and thoughts after my medical check up. I totally lost my interest in doing revision and I just feel like I want to get that relationship back even though it is impossible. Well, my first serious relationship just gone because of too much compromises.

When I am in deep valley, I am searching for people to talk to and I found no one. I talk to God that I really need a person to talk to me to comfort and building me up. I check my msn list again and I found a person who seldom come online. He is my friend that we used to have heart sicks and now we are recovered from our heart sicks and in progress of getting to be friend. He is also the only guy that I found out I can talk to even though we used to have problems with one another. I just so trusted in him that he will keep a secret for me. Moreover, he is a straightforward person. He says what he want me to know. There are no hidden meanings besides the real meaning. I like to be friend with straightforward person because I dislike lies and person who likes to say something that content lots of hidden meanings. He told me what’s my problems and he encouraged me take time to change and grow and let people take time to accept me again. He told me his experience in dealing with his own weakness. I was encouraged. I believe people will accept me again when I start to respect and be polite in words. I also shared with him my feelings and things about that relationship. I can’t imagine I really do that. I don’t even say this to my close friend in school and church but I am telling a guy that we are just normal friend in church. However, I shared with him because I trusted him. I trust him a bit more and more when we have more communication and I start to expand my friends circle.

I know what was happening is because of my disobedience. God wants us to wait on His planning until we meet the person He ready for us but I didn’t wait. So, disobedience~

Even though I sinned and disobey Him but God still cares and still there to listen to my prayers. I will never ask God where is Him when its hurt but I will ask God what you want me to learn when its hurt and help me get overcome this. I truly experienced God that night. Truly knowing He is there when I am calling even though I am a sinner. Thank you, Lord.

I thank God He had put a good listener beside me, support me when I am in need.

Back to exam mode xP

差一点…

I am still quite moody today. Can’t remove my attention from the song. So, I gonna share it here. I don’t hope everyone can understand my feeling but I just expect I can have one who understand me.

差一点你就是我的女人 差一些手牵手的完整
却在对的时间错过对的人 抓不住幸福时分

遇上了错的人 渐渐的吻在她无心的嘴唇
感觉像一个旅程走完了就分 错过了对的人
决定就只在那一秒那一分 爱情的岔口
你是我等不到的路人

差一点你就是我的女人 差一些就和你共度一生
因为对的时间对的人 就值得我为你奋不顾身
差一点你就是我的女人 差一些手牵手的完整
却在对的时间错过对的人 抓不住幸福时分

错过了对的人 决定就只在那一秒那一分
如果没缘分 我也会固执的为你一人

Unable to post the video, so if you are interested,do visit this link: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Ob0W6ehx-J8

Dear Diary

Again, I abandoned my blog for another 8 days. Never mind. I am back now. Today is the second of SPM or in English, Malaysian Certificate of Education. It is a national examination that taken by all fifth form students in Malaysia. Today is the second day and I am repeating my sentence again. I have finished my Malay papers, English papers and History Papers. Well, I always trust in myself in mastering Malay, English and Chinese. Now I am just slightly worry about my History Papers. I feel like I am not gonna pass it and at the same time I feel like I might have the possibility to pass it. Anyway, I hope I can pass it and if I am didn’t pass it, I will still give thanks to God for everything.

Tomorrow is the EST papers (English in Science and Technology). I don’t know why I will choose this subject when I was in fourth form. Everyone was dropping this subject at the second semester of fourth form and I still decided to take it until SPM. Well, there are advantages in learning this subject. At least, I have a reason to force myself to read more topics about science and technology. Now I am familiar with topics like environmental topics and food/nutritions. I am in pure science class. Learning Biology, Chemistry and Physics (This is what I call “guys’ subject”! I can’t really remember what’s all the symbols mean!) After taking EST, I have to even study more about science. It almost changed my ambition from to be a pastor to scientist. After so much complains, I still have to do well in these papers tomorrow. This is the last time I will touch on EST papers. Feeling sad if I didn’t answer it well and score high marks like usual.

I ya… get know of a new friend today. Hmm.. I don’t want to mention his name but at least I am telling you that he is a “he”! He is going to graduate from Christian Outreach College, Brisbane tomorrow. Well, I am not here to telling you anything about him but about the place, Brisbane. Brisbane stirred up the calm water in my heart when I first checked the Christian Outreach College. It is in Brisbane. If this appear to me before I know C, this is nothing to me. However now, I start to miss the time we had, the fun we shared before everything gone wrong. He is in Hong Kong now and probably enjoying himself when his friends and family and also having his favourite martial arts lesson. Well, when you are reading this, you might think that I know this guy quite well. Yes, indeed was. You can know a person really well, fall for him and when things go wrong, you and him can be stranger within one night. He is studying in Brisbane, in university. I was so naive that when I give my heart to him, he will give his to me. Yes, indeed it was happening. However, when things go wrong, he took his heart away and break my heart before returning it to me. I am not blaming him. It was my fault. Brisbane, this word just bring up my missing to him and bitterness in me. Now, I still love him but probably as a friend because I am no longer that naive believing in fairy tales. Fairy tales never happens on me.

But thank God the new friend I have just made are from Taiwan but not Hong Kong. If not, I will doubt that is there anything going wrong again? x)

Thank God I can facing my examination with relax and lots of joy in me.
Thank God it is raining again and it is cold =)
Thank God for peace, well performance – stress free and wisdom that He provided during the examination time.
Lastly, thank God for the new friend I have made and I can update my blog tonight.

……….

……….

Really a long time I didn’t update my blog. I update my blog today is because of 2 things.

First of all, I would like say Happy birthday to 2 person, Clive and Samuel. Today is their birthday. I have some ‘history’ with them and those ‘history’ are still stirring and disturbing my emotions here and there. However, I really thank God that I got to see Samuel in the Hakka Association Hall last night. Oh well, sometimes, you think you are into that person but when you look at him, look into his eyes, you will realized you are not really into him. I had that last night. I don’t know it is because I mind about his relationship with Victor as cousins or maybe because I am so sure that I am not ready for it, for now. He looks different from the last 2 years that I met him in Victor’s family dinner. He is much more stronger and man. He is really a perfect guy to me, the type of guy that I really would be interested but I don’t know why I am not into him. I don’t show any excited feeling when I see him. Instead, I am more clear upon my feeling to him. I treat him as a friend, an ex classmate, a guy that used to always argue and teasing me when we were young.

Clive is just another friend of mine, a friend that used to know all my bitterness and helping me overcome each of them by giving words of encouragement. He is also one of person that I will pay attentions when he is sharing with the theories of life. Well, that’s the past. Will that happen in future? I don’t know. However, I give thanks for what we used to have lah =)

Second thing is, today I experienced something that I thought it will never happen to me. There is a friend of mine who just serve together with me as stage crew last night. However, this morning, I am awaked by another friend’s message stating that friend of mine who just serve together with me last night have been hospitalized due to sickness. I was shocked. I thought it is a dream. I pinch myself and it is painful and check my phone again, the message is there. She is really hospitalized. Although she just needs a simple surgery, I am so worry about her. Suddenly, all my complains and unsatisfactoriness about her were gone. I just pray to the Lord, I want her to be healed. Other than that, I don’t care anymore. No one is perfect and there are time she will make mistakes or amused me but I did that as well. I have good serving time with her. This is not the first time we serve together but I don’t hope it is the last time. I am not sure about her situation now but I believe God listens to all our prayers. He never abandoned His children and enjoy seeing in suffer. I hope she will get well soon and we will able to serve again in near future, Christmas.

Happy Birthday to Clive and Samuel!
Get well soon, my dear friend!

The DARK side of the xxxxx world

I know there are a lot of people reading my blog, mixed with those who care about me, those who want to spy on my life, looking for my faults and creating gossips and also those who judging me with my words in the past but not now. I am not trying to referring this to anyone or offend anyone or make anyone cry in front of their mothers like a little baby after this post. If you think what I said about is referring to you, I can only say I am sorry that you are too sensitive and please leave this page before your mood is spoilt.

I am going to be an adult. I need to be responsible to my action, my words, my emotions and everything that related to me. I clearly understand that. Although not everyone around doing the same – being responsible to themselves but it is none of my business, they have their parents or even leaders to teach them about this. I am not really needed to tell them to be responsible for themselves. I am so aggressive today. I have been hidden up my emotion for a week! Within this week, I start to understand what Clive used to tell me, Becoming an adult makes you emotionless and there is no more joy. I wasn’t agree with it but now I am.

Stabbing at the back isn’t the kid stuff. Adult did them as well. They look like they really care about you but when you really need them, you text them, they don’t really have time to talk to you. Another point is after submit the application of Kingdom Service, I don’t dare to really express myself to anyone about my emotions. It is doomed for my emotional management for the last week! Although I might not becoming a Kingdom staff, I felt stress to blog on my blog. There are many people reading my blog and some of them don’t really care about me instead they make story behind me. God can forgive my sins, I can let go my past but can you, people forgive, forget and accept the fact that I am changing?

I always believe God will bless the good person but punish the bad person as He said in the Bible. However, what I see now is, bad people are getting much and people loves to listen what bad people said. I am serious about this! Did you ever see a good and polite student gets her friends’ favorite? NO! I am not a good and polite but I am a dedicated person. I did everything well as long as I get an order. I am not saying God didn’t work out His promise but I am tired of waiting. I give out a lot of efforts in serving the Lord but at the last minute, my efforts were ignored, neglected. I can’t say they let me down, I can only say I am not enough good to be accepted.

I waited so many years, 7 years to be baptized! Only God knows what do I feel every year when I witness people getting baptized but their lives didn’t change! I have a lot of advice to my friends. I want to advice them family is always first before church and ministry. I want to advice them to be grateful when you have the religious freedom in your hands, you need no worry and pay lots attentions about the religion conflict in your family. I want to advice them we have to put our hearts and efforts into everything that we do. We might not get reward but our Father in heaven will reward us. I served the Lord and the church members wholeheartedly and my mum was disagree with me. She said there is no money, no reward for you. Why you want to go? I said because the Lord will reward me in heaven and pour out His blessings into our family. His blessings on our financial is the evidence the Lord rewards me. People, you really have to appreciate of what you have. When you are enjoying something, maybe that is something others don’t have the chance to enjoy it.

Next year is the 8th year that I have came to Christ. If there is nothing happen, I can be baptized at the end of the year. Another 13 months of waiting. I don’t know what I gone through that 7 years but I assure you, I got equipped by God every year. Each year, I learn something, experienced God in my life. There are ups and downs in my spiritual being. Each up, I tasted the sweetness of God’s love. Each down, God’s grace and power hold me up. No one will understand what I experienced in God. I don’t regret I have became a Christian and have suffered a lot because of my words, actions and as well as because of my special religious background. I have faith in the Lord that in the coming years, I will encounter more challenging stuff and challenging people but I know He will hold me all the time. If you ask me why I am sure to give up all the chances to further study and only apply for Kingdom Service, I will answer you because I am born to serve the Lord and His people and by faith, I have offer my future, my life, my everything to God. I can’t tell you what and how is the experience when you are really in God but trust me, it inexpressible yet you always feel like you want to tell the world!

After writing a long post, I still haven’t say what’s the real sorrows in my heart. It is recently I start to doubt on some people that I trusted in so much. I think I am influenced by my mother. My mum said they are trying to stop me from getting what I wanted for so long. I don’t know yet I am still doubting them. Sound stupid, right?

Mood swings

I don’t know how to describe my day, it is neither a sad day or happy day. I had extreme mood swing today. I was so depressed, depressed until I don’t want to talk to anyone and just staying in my own world. Another minute, I got so hyper and can discuss movies with my friends. Another minute, I got back to depressed again. I doubt that I got depression. However, I am tired to check out that on any healthy website.

Yesterday was hmmm..emotional trauma? I back from school with a pretty mood and when I stand on the weight scale, I got so angry, frustrated, sad and at last I thrown my glasses to the table, run into the room and start crying. My mum came in later and start scolding me ” why you are crying? your mum is going to die, is it? bla bla bla bla ” After that, she went on for her nap (=.=|||) Sweat, right? However, it is okay for me because that’s the way she treat throughout the 11 years. Once I cry, she start nagging. That’s why I hardly cry and really need much effort on managing my emotions. Example like at home I scolded by her and really sad, really want to cry but I can’t, arrived church or other places, I need to force myself to smile. I am not happy as you thought I am, seriously! Especially you have a mother that really want you to be a strong girl in all aspects including emotional.

Sigh..

Stander or runner?

I have encounter to a situation that make me take a time to look into my devotion today – Stander or runner. Me and my friends planned a simple dinner birthday celebrate for one of our friends. So, I was asked to stop at one of my friends’ house and she is A. I arrived her house and I heard her mother start shouting and scolding at her. I stunned there. I know this is not the right time for me to enter the house and from what I heard, I basically able to guess what happened. I phoned another friends of mine and stop by at her place. I walked away and just leaving A scolded by her mother. In this situation, am I doing the right thing? Just walk away? Am I being a good friend in this situation?

I did imagine if I really walk into the house, it will make A’s mother more angry and even press harder on punishing my friend. I don’t know am I doing the right thing in this matter. I can’t really enjoy myself throughout the night. I keep on thinking about this. I can understand why a mother so angry when her daughter didn’t tell her when she make a decision and tend to force her to let her out when her friends are going out. I understand how a mother felt because I used to be like A and my mum did punish me as well and when I prayed to God, I don’t hate my mum but I learn to respect her. I am being a runner in this situation. Am I doing the right thing?

Me and another friend of mine just had a simple dinner with the birthday boy and we even cancel the stream bowl. I am not satisfied tonight. I am still craving for food and I really don’t have the mood to count or measure how much calories I have taken today or maybe I should say, tonight. I pretend sleeping in the cinema because I don’t know what to do with my feeling. I felt so bad because maybe now my friend is punishing by her mother and I am enjoying myself here! I felt like I should be responsible to her. I have told her for 3-4 times that tell her mother that we are going out tonight. She said okay okay and I thought she will really be okay and I didn’t really phone and ask her mother’s permission about that again.

Is this my fault or her fault? I have really no idea. I have different perspectives when I look upon this matter in different angle. It can be my fault because I didn’t phone her mother and ask her permission and just leaving my friend asking her facing her mother alone. It can be her fault as well because I told her many times to tell her mother about the outing but not forcing her mother to let her out when we are leaving from her house. However, I rather that is my fault.

I am being a irresponsible program planner and a runner to a friend that scolding by her mother. But sometimes it is so hard to do something, when arguments are happening in a family. Every family have their own difficulties to deal with and rules to obey that others that don’t belong to the family will not understand. I am in dilemma. Sigh, God..what is the lesson I have to learn in that?

I studied a lesson from my devotion that we should be a stander to our friends. Just as the Bible said in Proverbs 17:17 “A friend loves at all time, a brother is born for adversity.” I will continue to be stander to all my friends, starting for this moment. I will pray for A because that’s the only thing I can do and if there is a need of apologize, I will apologize to her mother.

God, please give me Your heavenly peace and teach me the lesson to keep everything in prayer. Amen!